How to change Relationship Patterns and Communicate more Consciously
In this article, we explore the Drama Triangle and the Winner’s Triangle, drawing on Karin Kuschik’s extended Drama Triangle framework. We’ll look at how we unconsciously fall into the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—and, more importantly, how we can step out of these dynamics to create relationships rooted in awareness, accountability, and mutual respect.
🎧 I explore this topic in more depth in my podcast, Love Notes with Nicole, available on Spotify. If you’re interested in conscious communication and healthier relationships, you’re warmly invited to listen.
Understanding Our Relationship Patterns🌱
Using the framework of Karin Kuschik’s extended Drama Triangle, we explore why we unconsciously fall into the destructive roles of Victim, Perpetrator, and Rescuer—and how these dynamics drain our emotional energy.
Recognise the Pattern - the Drama Triangle
Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman introduced the Drama Triangle in 1968 to describe three roles we can unconsciously move between in relationships: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. What fascinates me about this model is how easily we can switch roles without even noticing. We might start out trying to help, end up feeling unappreciated, and eventually become resentful of the very person we wanted to support.
Moving out of the Drama Triangle doesn't mean becoming perfectly calm, endlessly compassionate, or responsible for making every relationship work. It means noticing when we fall into familiar patterns - and choosing a different response when we can.
Roles in the Drama Triangle - Do you see yourself?
🔹 The Victim: Feels powerless, stuck, or unable to change a situation. May focus on what is happening to them and struggle to see their own options.
🔹 The Rescuer: Tries to fix other people's problems, often at the expense of their own needs. May feel responsible for others' happiness or worth their while only when needed.
🔹 The Persecutor: Uses criticism, blame, control, or defensiveness when feeling frustrated or threatened. May focus on what others are doing wrong rather than expressing their own needs constructively.
A personal note:
I can easily play all three roles in myself.
At my best (meaning really my "worst") I can jump between them, sometimes within the same relationship or even the same conversation. It is interesting when we start to become aware of that.
I believe most of us are jumping roles but also stick to our kind of favorite ones.
One moment I'm trying to understand and make things better; the next, I'm feeling hurt or powerless; and then, if I reach my limit, I might become defensive or critical myself.
Recognising this doesn't always make it easier to stop, but it does make me curious about what's happening beneath my reactions.
What about you?
Which role do you recognise in yourself? And does it change depending on whom you're with, or what feels at stake in the relationship?
Make the unconscious roles conscious - moving out of the triangle
🔹 The Victim (now conscious):
Recognize when you feel powerless, stuck, or unable to change a situation.
🔹 The Rescuer (now conscious):
Understand why you try to fix others’ problems at the expense of your own needs.
🔹 The Persecutor (now conscious):
Notice when criticism, control, or defensiveness affect your relationships.
The Victim Role: A Feeling We Can All Recognise
I want to approach the Victim role with compassion, because I think all of us can recognise it in ourselves at times. When we're in pain, it can be difficult to see beyond what happened and recognise the possibilities that still exist for us.
Still, I'm not my pain - I don't want to identify with it, but it is still valid.
A Course in Miracles is one of my favourite books for helping me understand myself, especially when life feels hard. One of its ideas that resonates with me is:
“I am not the victim of the world I see.”
In a nutshell, this teaches that the way we see a situation is shaped by the thoughts and interpretations we bring to it.
Another quote from A Course in Miracles that fits the shift from Victim to Creator is:
“I could see peace instead of this.”
“Why is this happening to me?”
I love and ask the questions below in my journaling practice when I feel helpless or angry:
What am I responsible for? (Or: What is not my responsibility - but I think it is?)
What is this situation showing me about me? My needs?
What am I waiting for someone to give me (Can I give it to myself - if not, can I accept not to get it from them?)
Where am I more interested in being right rather than peace?
Taking responsibility for our part in a relationship doesn't mean taking responsibility for everything that happens within it.
For me, this is an important distinction: we can be compassionate towards ourselves and still be willing to change.
From Victim to Creator: Reclaiming Your Power in Relationships
What I love about the Creator role is that it is a way to remember my power, there is nothing to change about myself , actually.
There is no fixed "definition" of the Creator role. You do not need to become someone else.
An exercise to explore your Creator qualities
List 10 adjectives (they describe how you are, for example, compassionate, funny etc. ).
They need to describe you when you're connected to your creative power—when you feel most authentic, empowered, and able to shape your own life.
Perhaps:
courageous, curious, compassionate, independent,
resourceful, playful, or decisive...
Find your own words!
This is unique for everyone.
Then, one by one, remove words.
Remove the adjectives that feel less essential describing you.
Keep going until you're left with the 3 words that feel truest and most powerful to you.
These three qualities can become a personal compass for your relationships. When you feel stuck in an old pattern, ask yourself:
How would I approach this situation if I were embodying these qualities?
Ending with two soothing Quotes by Gabor Maté on the Victim Role
I would love to end this post with two quotes from one of my favorite authors and experts on trauma and emotional healing.
Quote 1: Taking Responsibility Without Blame
“That happened. And it's your responsibility and it's your capacity to change that now.” — Gabor Maté
Quote 2: Reclaiming Our Ability to Respond
“Responsibility has to do with taking ownership and [...] the ability to respond effectively and intelligently, in a way that makes a difference.” — Gabor Maté
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